As The Sun Sets On 2014...

... I find myself reminiscing on the past year and pondering the year soon to arrive.

2014 has been a rough year, just like 2012 was. I've had to trek up many thornbush-covered mountains this year; much more frequently than the few times I was able to stroll through smoothly rolling valleys. It has been a dark year, but there has been light.

I've faced a lot of challenges this year, and quite a few new experiences; probably the widest range of any I've ever seen or went through in any one year of my life.

A fantastic Scottish singer and a friend of mine - George Donaldson - passed away from a heart attack earlier this year, leaving behind a then-13-year-old daughter and his wife; and it twisted my life upside-down. This was a man whom had been a father figure of mine since 2011, because of his warmth, generosity, kindness, and gentleness. And suddenly he was just gone.

In summer, a man who had been a huge part of my childhood committed suicide - Robin Williams. And though I didn't know him personally, all those years of looking up to him and being cheered up by his antics had made me feel like I did.

There was a light side to those tragedies. A faint light, but a light all the same.

After George's unexpected death, I began to ask questions about theology that I had never asked before; I sought out answers instead of accepting whatever ones were handed to me pre-baked on a platter.

After Robin's death, I grew closer to already-close friends. In the midst of people calling those with suicidal thoughts things like 'selfish', 'greedy', and 'hellbound', those that knew the truth stuck together and comforted one another. When I was sobbing the night after Robin's death, because I had lost a man I had looked up to all my life, and because someone had basically just told me I was hellbound because I had suicidal thoughts, my friends were there. They comforted me and kept me from completely breaking down. I tried to return the favour as best I could.

And through those trials, we grew closer.

As for friends... I made some new ones this year, and - as I mentioned above - grew closer to others. I also got to see more of my friends in this one year than I have in any other (considering up until recently, I only had one or two friends that could even visit on a half-regular basis).

In March, I got to meet two of my friends for the first time and another of my friends for the second time - Matt, who visited in October of 2013. I spent an hour or two hanging out with them in Seattle; it was only the second time I had ever visited the city and actually walked around.

In April, I visited a friend and her family for the first time in years. I also got to play with their baby lizard.

In August, I got to see Matt again and we spent an afternoon in town before going to a concert, where I had the pleasure of meeting our friend Alex for the first time. This was another first - it was the first time I had ever been allowed to go anywhere with a friend without a parent tagging along. It may sound like a little thing to most, but it was a huge milestone for me.

And again in November, Matt dropped by and we hung out with our mutual friend Brenna for a while.

From November to the end of December, a friend was living in our back room for a while as well.

All in all, I got to see nine friends - some of them multiple times - this year; six are mentioned earlier. The other two I spent time with at my high school graduation.

There's another milestone of this year. Two, actually - I graduated high school and, while I've been enrolled in college since March of 2013, went to my very first on-campus classes this summer.

Those were two experiences I won't soon forget. In June, I graduated high school at the age of sixteen. It was also the first time I ever got to try a coffee from Starbucks.

My long-time buddy August - whom I saw a few months prior for a while - came to watch my graduation, and I had a blast talking to him again. Then I met a girl who was friends with another friend of mine - we hit it off great, marveling at the coincidence that we would be graduating at the same time and that she would recognise my name from our friend's Facebook page.

During my on-campus classes, I got to see lovely scenery in the hiking trails at my college, and I met two new friends in my P.E. class. Another similar milestone was that taking these classes was the first time I would spend any longer than an hour (usually four hours) away from anyone my mom knew. And it wasn't within walking distance - it was a twenty-minute drive most mornings. And I would hang out on campus and in classes by myself. It was scary, and finding my way around without having a breakdown from overload of emotions and senses was a challenge.

I guess I learned a lot - not everything, but a lot more than I did - about being an adult this year.

I had to learn responsibility for my on-campus classes. I had to arrive on time, make sure I understood the information, and turn everything in on schedule. I had to remember to keep an eye on the calendars, and I had to get up early each morning so that I could get dressed and make sure everything was in my backpack before heading out the door.

I had to learn to put aside my own desires and fears in order to help my mom through some very rough times that she is still going through now.

I had to take responsibility for the friend who moved in with us. That was a challenge - I needed to exercise patience, calmness, punctuality, and persistence. All things I have trouble showing. I needed to make sure everything they needed was taken care of, and remind them of their day-to-day duties.

And while it is not a particular skill or attribute to learn, I was allowed to spend time with friends in town by myself (without parents) for the first time ever this year. For our family, that is a definite step towards adulthood. It may sound silly, but it is.

I had to ignore my fears and insecurities during the summer and tell someone exactly how I felt about them, despite the anxiety that they would 'run away' or push me away. (They didn't. And our friendship is even stronger now because I was honest, praise God.)

I had to destroy a knot of negative emotions in order to confess to my mother and my friends the struggles I have - the fear, the self-loathing, the guilt, the shame... it all had to be obliterated just long enough to confess. And that is probably the most adult thing I managed to do all year.

I learned patience, I learned more about logic, I learned how to schedule my time better... I learned that it is wrong to judge others for their own struggles, and I learned that even the people you trust have the ability to mess up big-time... and above all - I learned from a close friend that the best way for me to be is just to be me.

All that said... what do I hope to see in 2015? What are my resolutions?

I never do fulfill my resolutions. But here are some goals, wishes, and resolutions I have anyway:

~ Fly out-of-state to visit friends; either in Virginia, Texas, Ohio, or Florida.

~ Go to Emerald City Comicon with friends.
~ Learn how to drive.
~ Write a novel for the first time in years.
~ Start some sort of project designed to help the needy.
~ Get into acting somehow; by joining a drama team if there are any nearby.
~ Complete the 365 Photography Challenge

~ Attempt to get a job.

We'll see if any of those get completed this year; I do hope they will!

Before I close, I want to give special thanks to the people who made my year so much easier to bear and made me smile and laugh, and comforted me through the dark times: thank you to Sian, Hayley, Charity, Matt, Andrew, Eli, Brendan, William, Elizabeth K., Mark, Ellen, Elizabeth A., Ophelia, Adrienne, Joel P., Jasmine, Annie, Gael, Kitra, Seth, Hannah L., Jenni, and August. I love all of you so very much. Thank you for being yourselves, and for caring about me even when I'm at my worst.

To all of you reading this... here's to a new year - may it be bright and blessed and shiny. Keep on keeping on, all of you; every last one of you is amazing and strong and so very special.

Happy New Year, everybody!

God bless,

Theodora Ashcraft

The Negative Effects of my Addiction

Some of you might remember my confession, earlier this year. I posted it on my blog because I felt it needed to be out in the open. You can find it here.

I'm back to talk about the same subject - porn - using personal examples. But this time, I'm not going to be confessing things. In this article, I want to talk to all of you about some negative effects porn has had on me and my life, personally.

I'm going to attempt to keep this article organised, but I may ramble - I hope the message gets across regardless.

Now, I will most likely not be using Bible verses to prove my points in this particular article. My focus for this is to show you how porn has negatively affected me and the people around me - some of the things may sound selfish, and certain people might feel the urge to say 'well, if such-and-such was negatively affected, it was the person's fault and they need to man up'.

Please ignore the urge to say that. I am listing all the things that suffer when one is addicted to the things I am, in an attempt to show people that it really does change things. This takes a lot of effort to write, and I do hope that people will respect that.

That said, we'll get on with it.

One thing that is negatively affected by questionable online activity is trust. Trust is impacted, big-time, believe me on that.

My mother doesn't trust me on the internet. Heck, I've proven to myself that I don't trust me on the internet. But that's just one aspect. She doesn't trust me alone with males much anymore either - she thinks that my online activity might leak into my real-life interaction. I don't think it would... but her trust in me is severely limited because of my addiction.

Because of what I've done, my mother doesn't trust me with technology or with guys as easily as she used to. And she has every reason not to trust me - I acted in a way differently than who she thought I was, and I wasn't honest with her from the beginning about what I was doing. Four years, I kept silent and hid it.

Four years. Letting it fester. I would think I had stopped, but then I would start back up again. I stayed away from it for about a year - though my mind often strayed - but then a friend died from a heart attack and the sudden plummet of grief and anger sent me back to what I had thought I had gotten rid of.

Four years of hiding the truth and letting people think I was a perfectly innocent teenage girl.

I finally confessed. And I lost trust. That is one consequence of lying, in general - not just about this, but about anything. If you lie, you inevitably lose the trust of others. You don't always lose their love and respect - but you do lose their trust. And it often takes a long time to rebuild that.

It doesn't even lose you solely the trust of non-strugglers... it can lose you the trust of other strugglers as well.

Someone I love struggles with it. I only recently found out. They hadn't been honest with me about it. And yes, I stopped trusting them with certain things. One day I was highly emotional about it and, since they're older and stronger than I am, I went into breakdown mode - when they tried to hug me, I pulled a knife on them.

I didn't hurt them. It was just to scare them off.

But what I'm saying is that, even though I'm a struggler, I can't trust as easily either. Do I still love them? Yes... oh, yes. God knows I do. And I do trust them not to hurt me, most of the time.

I can't trust them as I did before though. And that not only hurts me, it hurts them too.

Losing someone's trust usually hurts everyone involved, depending on whether they feel remorseful or care about you at all; which is nearly always the case in my personal experience so far.

Another negative effect that such an addiction has had on me is guilt. The guilt is always present - sometimes stronger, sometimes weaker, but always present.

When someone shows they don't trust me as much as they used to, the guilt is there - because I failed. I failed everyone, including myself.

The guilt about what I've done is always there, usually when I get urges to go there again, or when I'm reminded of the past by others. There are triggers for memories and the guilt is usually worse then as well.

Guilt really messes up your life too, in an emotional way.

The most prominent thing guilt has done to my emotions is convince me that I should never get married. I still think that. I'm too much of a mess, and who knows whether or when I'll backslide. And anyway, I've made so many mistakes, any man that I could trust deserves far better.

Do I believe that? Yes, I do. The guilt solidified those thoughts and I cannot believe any different.

Guilt will almost certainly change your perceptions of yourself; you'll beat yourself up about things that have happened and passed. You'll most likely consider yourself a less important person than others, and you'll have a hard time believing people when they tell you differently.

Everything about porn will make it hard for you to enter a relationship most likely, but guilt will possibly be one of the hardest things of all. If you ever even allow yourself to enter a relationship in the first place, you will constantly think - subconsciously or not - that you do not deserve this man or woman, even if they do accept you've made mistakes and love you anyway. You won't believe them when they say they forgive you and love you no matter what.

Guilt makes it nigh impossible to be in a decent relationship because you will never believe it's real, or that you deserve it. Guilt makes it impossible to love yourself again, if you ever did before - I had a hard time of it even before the guilt factored in.

A third thing porn negatively affects is your friendships.

Look, your friends most likely love you. They did before, and most of them will probably still love you afterwards.

But the sad fact is, they will no longer trust you as much as they did. Sometimes they may lose their respect for you.

This did happen to me. The majority of my friends still loved me unconditionally - they did not at all condone what I had done, nor did they like it. But they continued to love me.

There were a few who lost all respect for me - and rightfully so, I have to admit - and decided they no longer wanted to be friends with me. Yes, I was called quite a manner of things by a few people; disgusting, a liar, impure, a whore, etc.

Were they right on some counts? Almost certainly. Did it hurt any less? No, it didn't.

All that to say - your friendships very well may be impacted by this, negatively or not. You won't lose all your friends; there will always be a few who will forgive and love. But even your relationship with them will change somewhat.

Perhaps where you once mentored them with a problem, they now have to mentor you with yours. Perhaps they still love you but can't trust you as much now. Perhaps they need to stop talking to you quite as much until they finish mulling everything over.


Your friendships will be affected. Oftentimes negatively in someway or another. But this does not mean you'll lose all of them. Some, maybe. All, no. Just know that there will be negative effects on your relationships with friends and family alike.

Another thing that will be negatively affected is your faith. Now, as I am a Christian, this will be focused on that - though there's no saying it can't be applied to the religion of whoever is specifically reading this.

I'm not saying you'll just all of a sudden give up on your faith - you might, but you might not. I'm saying that your relationship with God and the Bible will be strained.

You'll stop praying, you'll stop going to church, you'll stop reading your Bible...

Part of this is the guilt factor - and in my case, most of it was the guilt factor. I felt that I was unworthy of love and forgiveness. And, since the Bible's foundation is love and forgiveness, I found it highly difficult to believe or accept. As a result, I stopped praying, because I got the impression somewhere that because I had messed up so badly, God would not listen.

I've managed to break myself of that guilt-induced haze, but I still have a long way to go. If I hadn't fallen into the addiction I did, it would almost certainly be easier for me.

Being addicted to these things messes with your faith, because it's so hard for you - guilt-ridden, depressed, feeling like you're undeserving of anything - to accept what the Bible's very foundation was built upon; love, forgiveness, and salvation.

--/\--

I'm sure there are other negative effects that I've forgotten, or that I didn't experience - these are just a few.

But it's very clear that... believe me... porn does have a bad effect on your life. If not your life personally, on the lives of those you care about.

If you struggle with it, please, try to stop. It's not worth it. Trust me on that. If you need someone to talk to, to hold you accountable, or just to listen, I'm always available. You can find my contact information here. I will get back to you as soon as I possibly can.

If you have struggled with this addiction in the past, and have advice to share, I ask you to consider shooting me an email about it; you could even write a guest post, if you so desired. I would be ever so grateful.

To everyone, just remember - there is a way out. There is always another chance. There is hope.

God bless,
Theodora Ashcraft

Why "I'll Pray For You" Doesn't Help

"I just feel so lost. I want to die, but at the same time, I just want to live."

"Ohh. I'm so sorry. I'll pray for you. Here, read these Bible verses."

That is the sort of conversation I've had many times. I'm in a dark place, and when I admit it to someone, their only words of comfort are 'I'll pray for you', and a few Bible verses copied-and-pasted from a Bible app or from Google.

As a person who has been and still is from time to time in that dark place where life seems meaningless, I feel qualified to speak about the "I'll pray for you" line and why it's rarely any help to a depressed or suicidal individual.

Perhaps you think you're being kind, encouraging, and comforting in your religious words of "I'll pray for you" and "Here, have some Bible verses".

And I'll say right now, sometimes, when done right, it can be comforting. One night, I was extremely lonely and sad, and a panic attack had come on. It was late, but I wasn't thinking about that when I called one of my brothers.

He was awake. And he sat there on the phone for a while, asking me what was wrong and giving me chances to talk if I could. In the end, he prayed out loud for me, and then read a passage from the Bible. Part of it was no doubt the gentle way he was talking - it soothed my frazzled nerves - but mainly it was comforting because I could hear it, and because he didn't just do that and then say he was going to go to bed. He stayed on the line and talked to me, reassuring me it was going to be okay.

Done in that way, the prayer and Bible verses tactic can be comforting.

But more often than not, a person I confide in will simply tell me after I just poured out my heart to them, "Oh no, I'm so sorry. I'll pray for you." Then they'll send some of the typical Bible verses. And... apparently expecting that to be all the comfort needed, they'll either move on with other topics or decide they have to go do something else more pressing.

That is not comforting. That gives, at least to me, the vibe that you really do not want to talk about what I'm going through. You just want to throw out what is, to you, a fix-all and then move on.

That is not helpful.

Look, when you have a child and they're sick, are you going to kneel by their bedside and say, "All right, Jimmy. I'm going to pray for you, and then read this Bible passage to you." Then you do that and leave, without giving him any of the comforts you typically give a child when they're sick - medications, extra blankets, chicken noodle soup, whatever.

No parent would ever think of doing that. Nor would they think of walking up to a man lying on the sidewalk with a broken leg and saying a prayer over them before walking off.

People need to stop treating mental issues and emotional issues as something you can just 'pray away'. We do not do that with physical ailments; why should you do that with mental and emotional ailments?

There isn't medication you can give to someone over the internet or over the phone that will fix their depression or their anxiety. But there is something you can give, and that is comfort. Real, proper comfort that you pour your heart into and show them you love them.

You need to come to terms with the fact that many depressed people (and I'm talking about Christians here) don't want to hear solely about God. *cue the horrified and outraged gasps*

Yeah, you heard me right. As horrible and terrible as it probably sounds to some of you, a depressed person wants to hear comfort and reassurance from someone tangible. Someone they can hear, touch, and get responses from.

Do you understand how it feels to be completely hopeless and to have given up on the world, and then to go to someone you trust for comfort... only to be turned away with a brief 'I'm praying for you'? That makes a person feel worse.

It makes me frustrated at best when I feel like the world is crashing down around me, and the person I go to for comfort sends me away with an alleged promise to pray and a few Bible verses.

It makes me feel alone. Because when I turn to someone I trust and tell them something as deeply personal as 'I want to die', I need comfort. I don't need them going on and on about 'God' and 'Jesus' and 'Bible' and 'pray'. I need them to reassure me that I'm going to be okay, that they're willing to listen to me vent no matter what, that they love me. I need them to give practical advice.

"I'll pray for you" by itself doesn't help because it makes me feel like I'm being pushed away like some little child with a 'later, dearie, I'm too busy to listen to you right now'.

"I'll pray for you" by itself doesn't help because it makes me feel alone.

"I'll pray for you" by itself doesn't help because it sometimes feels condescending and judgmental - because I'm not a good enough Christian due to the fact I don't place everything in God's hands.

"I'll pray for you" by itself doesn't help because it makes me feel inferior.

"I'll pray for you" by itself doesn't help because I gain no comfort from that.

"I'll pray for you" by itself doesn't help because I have trust issues and I have no idea whether you really will.

"I'll pray for you" by itself doesn't help because I need comfort, reassurance, and advice from someone I can talk to face to face.

It doesn't help by itself. A person comes to you for comfort, not a quick promise they have no certainty you'll keep or not.

The next time someone is upset and comes to you for comfort, try to give them something more than a few overused Bible verses and a promise, unless you know for sure that it helps them. Don't act like you can pray away their problems without doing anything else to help.

Make an effort to show that you truly care about them personally, to invest energy in them instead of passing them off to Someone who can't personally speak to or hug them.

Show them you truly care by investing time in them.

God bless,
Theodora Ashcraft

A Letter To K.

I'm not going to use your name, before you start to get angry about me spreading your name and reputation all over the internet. You know that this is addressed to you. And I know you'll see it. I know you follow this blog and keep an eye on it so that you can find whatever you can about me and what's going on in my life - you wouldn't have found my personal email address otherwise.

So now that the fact you know this is addressed to you, and the fact that I know you can see it, have been established, I'm going to move on.

I would just send you an email, but as you've probably figured out... I've blocked you everywhere, now. I left you the ability to send Facebook messages in the hopes that that quirky guitarist was still somewhere inside; that he'd come back, and the new version of you would be gone, and we could go back to being friends.

It didn't happen. I gave you many, many chances. And I just cannot handle the messages of harrassment any longer.

You say you care about me, and that you hope I'm doing well.

And then you turn around and send me photographs that are designed to trigger me and make me want to hurt myself.

Do you really think I can believe you when you say you care? Real friends show respect, concern, and politeness. They don't get angry and send hurtful messages, guilt trips, and images designed to give nightmares.

Since you never seemed to want to hear my side of things without going into long, several-page rants, I want you to at least take the time to listen now.

I blocked you because you were speaking inappropriately to me, refusing to give me any peace, saying cruel things about my other friends, and basically harassing me.

It is not appropriate to insist on starting arguments about religion and politics with people you know disagree with you, and refuse to just drop it when they say they'd rather not discuss it - and when they try to end the subject themselves, it is not appropriate to get upset and guilt-trip them/send them pages-long messages stating how you feel on the subject.

It is not appropriate to take the words I've said about my closest friends (how much I appreciate them, how they've helped me, how much I look up to them, how much I care about them, etc.), and insult them outright in emails that sometimes span fifteen pages long. It is not appropriate to call the people I hold most dear to my heart 'power-hungry snakes' and to say that I worship them, that they're my owners, that they have control over my mind, solely because I appreciate their opinions, value their thoughts, and - horror of horrors - actually agree with them on many points.

It is not appropriate to see a blog article a girl writes confessing her struggles with porn, and then go talk to her in chat about it to say that she 'shouldn't feel guilty' and that you had considered or still wanted to 'teach her about it'. I don't know if you realise how creepy and wrong that sounds, but trust me, it does.

It is not appropriate to come to a girl's house after they have explicitly told you that you can't. Lack of warning isn't an excuse. Even if it was, if the girl tells you nearly a week in advance you cannot come over, you have plenty of time to call off any plans you may have formulated.

And another thing... when all of this, plus insults and hurtful words to my beliefs and a mutual friend's beliefs, causes us to block you for our own sanity... it is most certainly not appropriate to send them death threats when your attempts to guilt-trip them into friending you back don't work.

Am I a bad friend for not having time to let you come over very often for nearly a year? Maybe I am.

But look. I turned 15. I entered college. At the same time as high school. My time became severely limited. It wasn't like I decided to completely cut you out of my life but went around visiting other people behind your back. You thought I did when you saw photos of me visiting with friends in Seattle this March, and got really upset.

Here's the deal. They were and are some of my closest friends. I got to spend maybe two hours with them that day; I was meeting two of them in person for the first time, and seeing another of them again for the first time in six months. So yeah; I did take some time off from school to visit with friends that I rarely, if ever, see. You spent a year or more getting to visit with me once every month or every two months. You had no right to get upset because I decided to take a few hours out of my day to spend with friends that weren't you.

Am I a bad friend for starting to chat to you less online before I blocked you? Maybe I am.

But when I came to dread coming online in the evenings because I knew I would find pages-long rants on what I believe, how I live, who my friends are and how awful you think they are... I just did not want to talk to you, because you would expect me to respond to those rants when all I wanted to do was forget them.

When I never knew what would be waiting for me on Skype or in my inbox - whether it would be more verbal abuse towards my friends or my religion, or another inappropriate comment on my addictions - of course I began to dread messaging you.

Am I a bad friend for not telling you exactly how I felt, and for oftentimes not explaining to you why various things you did or said bothered me? Maybe I am.

But I knew you wouldn't listen. Both me and our mutual friend tried telling you over and over and over again to please stop saying and doing stuff, but you refused. I knew you wouldn't stop doing things, so I stopped asking.

I rarely tell anyone exactly how I feel and what my emotions are. I only tell people I completely trust, and there are only a handful of people I do trust with everything. Even less now, because time and time again, people prove they can't be trusted.

After the dramatic disaster in 2012 due to making the wrong friends, my trust in people was lowered considerably. I apologise for not trusting you, but quite honestly, I knew that if it was something to do with my religion or my beliefs that I was having trouble with, you wouldn't be able to focus past that to help me - you'd only be able to rant about them.

Am I a bad friend for blocking you? Maybe I am.

But I needed to in order to protect my already fragile sanity and emotions. I am dealing with college homework and crazy emotions I've never felt before. I'm trying to get back into writing, and I'm spending as much time as possible with people I've sworn to protect, comfort, and try to help. I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life, because I've tried to push reality away for so long, I find myself nearly 18 and completely uncertain about where I'm headed, what I want to do, what is going to happen to me, and whether I can handle whatever life throws at me.

I did not and do not have the energy or the strength to have to wake up every day terrified of what rants, guilt-trips, or innuendos were awaiting me online.

Even after I blocked you, you could not respect my wishes. You railed at our mutual friend about it, managed to work in a few more jabs at my friends, and then sent me guilt-trip after guilt-trip by whatever means you could.

And then you sent me and our mutual friend death threats.

You fell silent for a while, until you found out that you could still send me messages on Facebook. You would claim to care about me and miss me... and then make jabs about people, or jabs at how I was a bad person.

I put up with it, still hoping beyond hope that the quiet, musical guy I met at the lake would come back, and I wouldn't have to worry about... this new person I didn't recognise.

It never happened. And a few nights ago, you sent me a picture - whether it was photomanipulated or not, I don't know, but it doesn't matter - of a person who had cut the words 'I'm fine' into their arm with a knife, and told me that I should make that my avatar.

That was the last blow. I was online late, and I already find myself paralyzed by fear most nights. But that message set me to shaking and I couldn't stop. Talking to some of my brothers helped comfort me, but it didn't help completely.

I feel worthless and guilty about my own existence enough as it is. I don't need you trying to reinforce the guilt and the fear.

I blocked you there. So I'm writing you a message here. Because like I said, I know you watch this blog.

You know something else? I did research. What you've said to me and our mutual friend could land you in prison for five to ten years if you actually meant them - harrassment and death threats. You could also receive a heavy fine. Think on that for a second.

And I have one last thing to say before I close.

I won't be adding you back until you show me in some way that you've changed and that you aren't only trying to manipulate my emotions.

My entire life and my entire emotional structure have been messed-up because of your threats and your words and your stopping by my house when I told you not to, like some real-life stalker.

Because I was already scared of leaving the house, but now I'm terrified, because I have no idea whether your threats were real and whether you're lurking in the bushes somewhere. I'm terrified in the mornings to go outside without a rock in the hand because I'm afraid you're going to appear from around the corner and attack me.

Because I can't even turn my back to people anymore. I go to the post office and I have to edge awkwardly along the counter because I can't bear to turn my back to the people behind me. I go on walks alone and I can't stop looking over my shoulder. I spend the afternoon with one of my best friends, and I can't even sit down at the table to eat until I have my back to the wall.

Because I can hardly trust any of my friends anymore except for the few closest ones, all due to the fact that someone I once thought was a friend suddenly started to treat me the way you did.

I already had anxiety disorders before all this happened. Now I'm point-blank terrified if I try to leave the safety of my house. I don't want to be left at home alone because I'm afraid you'll randomly show up.

I have nightmares about you showing up to make good on your death threats. Nightmares where I'm trying to hide but you get into the house anyway and the people, whether friends or police, that I called, to beg for help and ask them to come over, don't arrive in time.

I feel the need to carry around rocks and knives in my pockets because I don't know who might try to sneak up behind me.

I regret not knowing how to shoot a gun. I regret not remembering half of the stuff I learned in my martial arts class years ago.

Do I believe you'll do something? Maybe. But mostly, my irrational anxiety has turned into full-blown, irrational fear to do anything without someone I trust by my side. Because I was threatened, manipulated. My emotions were ignored. My thoughts, beliefs, and feelings were put down as wrong. Someone I thought was a friend disregarded my wishes and came by my house without permission, invading my personal space multiple times.

This is why I cannot and will not friend you again. Not until I've heard you've changed.

And even if you do change, please know that it's going to take a long, long time for me to trust you again. I've been betrayed and manipulated too many times, and the way you acted and the things you said were the things that made me snap. I'm completely broken and shaken-up, and feel as though I cannot trust anyone. I have tons of friends and acquaintances - I only fully trust seven now. And only three of them are guys.

Please keep all of this in mind and think about it instead of just throwing it out as me being overly-dramatic, ridiculous, or stupid again. Because it took a lot to write this letter to you and have to post it on my blog where everyone can see it. I wouldn't have done so, if I actually had an outlet I hadn't blocked you from in which to send it.

Please actually consider my words important for once.

And please think about them. That's all I ask. I'm not telling you to change or do anything against your will. I'm just telling you why I did what I did and asking you not to put it off as stupidity like you used to when we argued about everything under the sun. If you respond, I probably won't reply, because I need time to try to mend, to get rid of all the emotions brought on from what I personally consider as traumatic, whether others do or not.

Thank you in advance. I sincerely hope you're doing well.

Regards,

Theodora Ashcraft

A Response To a Blog Post On Emotional Purity

I don't know whether I would address this to the writer of the guest post (Emily Long), the owner of the blog (Reagan Ramm), or both. So I'm afraid I'll have to address both of you, skip formalities, and just introduce myself.


Hello, Miss Long (and Mr. Ramm, though he already is acquainted with me to some extent). I'm a 17-year-old Christian girl who has found it much easier to befriend guys for most of her life; my love language is physical touch. If you're not familiar with the love languages, check out some of the information here.

I've made many different friends and been through a lot of different scenarios, both painful and helpful. So I feel at least slightly qualified to respond to your post on "The Arsenal": The Struggle For Emotional Purity: Guest Post - Purity Part 3.

This is my first open letter to anyone, so it may be rather unconventional, and for that, I apologise. I also apologise beforehand if I come across as harsh at any time. I don't intend to.

I basically saw a few points in the article that seemed a bit flawed and at times harmful. This may be due to the fact there was a lack of clarification on some points, I'm not certain. Either way, I'm going to copy over those statements and give my thoughts on them, whilst trying to shed some light on the fact that emotional purity is different for everyone. Which seemed to be a fact completely ignored in the article.

That just needed to be said before I continued on.

"I hardly hear anyone talk about looking out for the best interests of others. I believe that we should be seeking to help one another, and as men, we should especially seek what is best for women."

Quite right. One should seek to help others and look out for the best interests of others. And men should definitely seek what is best for women.

But you see... all women are different. You can't decide on a specific law that details what is 'best for women' and stick to that in all scenarios. You have to face the facts that everybody is different; everyone has different ways of thinking, different beliefs, different lives, different heartaches. Every person has a story that is beautifully different from everyone else's. You can't just throw everyone into the same box and proclaim them the same, and try to use a method with them that you deemed 'best' for everyone. It just doesn't work.

What might be best for one woman, might not be the best for another. It's like the food pyramid; it's deemed ideal, and considered the best way to organise one's meals. But some people have chronic illnesses or allergies; and suddenly, that way that is supposed to be best for others isn't the best for one. Everyone has different needs.

"Interested, he spends a little time with her. He is not in love, has not stated anything, and is possibly not even entertaining thoughts of that sort. She has noticed him as well, and believes that perhaps he is also interested. Their families spend more time together, giving Joseph and Krystal ample opportunities to talk, form opinions, and seek each other’s attention. In Krystal’s mind, thing are getting serious, especially since “the families are involved”. Joseph has never said anything, but he genuinely seems to be seeking her out."

There is a problem here. Most certainly. And that problem is that neither of them were honest and upfront in the beginning. 

Mainly Krystal. If she had feelings for Joseph, she should have said so way before she assumed things were 'getting serious'. She shouldn't assume things just based off of her thoughts on it, and should have asked him outright if he had feelings for her - or, better, told him that she had feelings for him.

Assumptions are harmful no matter what, and this is no different. The problem doesn't arise from spending one-on-one time together in this scenario (which, if the families are involved, are they truly spending one-on-one time together?); it arises from miscommunication. 

Joseph is treating her as a friend. She is letting her emotions take off with her and assuming he's treating her as something else, because that's what she wants. It's important to be honest, and especially with such a subject as this. 

Would the same thing have happened if they had never spent time with each other? Maybe, maybe not. It's impossible to tell, because everyone is different. Romantic feelings can develop for another person in group settings or alone. The place you are makes no difference; all that factors into the feelings is whether you've interacted with the other person. You can interact with them in the middle of a group of people after church - feelings may develop. You can interact with them one-on-one over a chatroom - feelings may not develop. You can interact with them while hanging out by yourselves at the local park - feelings may not develop. Or they may.

Emotions are emotions. They often have their own way whether you like it or not. They're unpredictable and they're sudden. The only way not to possibly receive romantic feelings for someone is to lock yourself in a room by yourselves for the rest of your life.

  "As the months progress, and they learn more about each other and grow closer, they never really talk about their relationships with God, they kind of focus more on each other. They start spending time, not technically alone, but away from the group. Their friends start teasing them, and Krystal is getting kind of excited. Could he be the one? She is attracted to him, and he seems to feel the same way…"

Okay, see? They just now are starting to spend time away from the group. So Krystal's romantic feelings for Joseph developed before they even started spending alone time together. That kind of breaks the whole 'spending time in groups will restrict romantic feelings' idea. 

And again, why has Krystal not said anything yet? If a girl or a guy is talking to someone and starts to think that they're 'the one', I would imagine that it's high time to tell the other person so. I'd go as far as to say that they should have said something far earlier, when they began to assume that the feelings are mutual.

The current underlying problem seems to be that Krystal is allowing things to get out of hand, rather than be upfront much earlier on - which would have saved her considerable amounts of pain, so long as Joseph was, in turn, also honest and told her that he did not feel the same way.

 "But month after month passes, and although they are now offhandedly talking about their futures, i.e. What state they would like to live in, how many acres…etc. Joseph has never intimated or said anything about moving into that phase of a relationship. Now she is beginning to grow frustrated. He has been giving her compliments, standing way too close to her (dangerous to do by the way: it really knocks a girl for a loop), and has started saying hello and goodbye accompanied with side hugs. All her longings are being fulfilled, but now she believes herself in love. She can talk of nothing else, and she is sure he will ask her dad to enter into courtship. It’s been a year since they met. What is he waiting for? Maybe if she tries harder for his attention. So now she is pursuing him. He enjoys the attention, and returns it, but he still is not stating anything or talking to her dad."

Here's where things get even more absurd. Months have gone by. They're both being talkative about their dreams for the future. There is nothing wrong with that - nothing at all. What's wrong with this is that Krystal still hasn't said anything about her feelings and is just blithely waltzing through life assuming things that she has no proof for.

She's beginning to get frustrated. Well, yeah. Maybe she should say something. And yet she still doesn't. It's this lack of honest communication that causes so many problems, not the alone time on its own. The alone time and friendly talking is a factor, not the cause.

Compliments are not bad, no matter what gender. Especially if one is trying to cheer a friend up by way of compliments. And standing too close to someone? That's dangerous? How exactly...? I don't know of a single girl that I've met in all my seventeen years who got wrong ideas from a guy standing too close.

And side hugs. Physical touch is not bad. It should not be an indicator that there is something 'more' to the relationship. It is friendlieness. Pure and simple. And some people need that touch to feel adequately loved. I wrote a blog article on the subject here.

The problem is, yet again, lack of communication. Is the attention she gets from him inappropriate? No. Did it cause the romantic feelings? No. Does it further the romantic feelings? Yes. But he could treat her in a kind, friendly way without these problems if she would just tell him how she feels. Then he could back off and let her mend after he tells her he does not feel the same way. There would be less pain, and then eventually, they could go back to being good friends.

(Plus, the fact he hadn't said anything to her dad should have been a major indicator he didn't feel the same way, if she knew he was a courtship advocate and would most certainly talk to her dad first.)

Okay, this is getting long, so instead of copying-and-pasting snippets from your post, I'll just sum it up.

So, Krystal goes to an event where Joseph and various other families will be. She sees him talking with another girl and doesn't think anything of it, because he has other friends but 'she's special' (she being Krystal, in her mind). Then she finds out later on that Joseph is now courting that girl, and Krystal becomes heartbroken, asking herself why she wasn't good enough.

Is that Joseph's fault? No... because he had no idea of the emotions and he didn't cause them by being friendly. She developed feelings for him long before they started spending 'alone time' together and let her emotions get out of control, never saying anything.

All that to say, the way he treated her were factors. Not the underlying cause. And that is the truth more often than most people like to admit - the feelings develop before the two spend more time together on their own, hugging, talking, etc.

"When a guy starts paying attention to a girl, whether out of politeness or genuine interest, it is the inclination of a girl to want to run with it. If a girl feels safe with a guy, she will start to share her heart with him. The more she shares her heart, the more “in love” she feels. While the guy is merely being nice and chivalrous, the female tends to think his intentions are more of a serious nature."

So it was the guy's fault? No. The girl (I don't use female in this instance because quite honestly using it here it reminds me of a British introducer on a documentary about animals) is the one who let her feelings get carried away. He was simply trying to be kind, friendly, and chivalrous.

Just as it is a man's duty to keep his emotions and thoughts under control as best he can (regarding the issue of modesty), a woman has a duty to keep her emotions under control as well. Are they okay to have? I say yes. But do not let them get carried away, do not keep silent and miscommunicate, and do not make assumptions about the man's intentions until he himself brings them up.

A man should not stop being friendly and showing a girl he cares simply because she might develop feelings for him. That is not fair to any girls who genuinely want to be friends and nothing more. It's ridiculous to assume that in order to protect a girl he has to hold her at length with a ten-foot pole in the middle of a crowd and speak stiffly and formally to her. "Hello, Ms. [Name]. The weather is quite warm today, but I managed to finish mowing the lawn..."

Now comes the part of the article I had the biggest issue with.

1. Never make physical contact unless absolutely necessary. No hugging, touching her arm, and don’t stand too close to her.
2. Try to remain in a group setting. Don’t take off with her somewhere or separate a little from everyone. The female may very well take that as a sign of interest.
3. Don’t ask about her feelings, and don’t ask her what she is thinking. She is likely to share her heart, because she will feel like her words and thoughts are valued, and that is a danger zone. I think this is the most important point of all (hence why I put it last!).

One. Physical contact is necessary. There are stories of children who ended up severely mentally disabled in Russia, or became violent and emotionally unstable. Studies showed that it was because no one in the orphanage every held them, touched them, picked them up, showed them they were loved.

If someone doesn't like being touched, then yes, by all means, don't hug them or what-not. If they don't mind it, don't freak out about it. Standing close to someone is hardly going to automatically equal that you are in love with them, to either you or the girl. And hugging someone isn't going to destroy their emotional purity. This girl isn't going to look back ten years down the line and tell her husband, "I have something to confess. I hugged this guy at Sunday School ten years, six months, and four days ago. I feel so ashamed of it, and I am so sorry, please forgive me."

Nor will she say, "I used to have a crush on so and so way back in high school, and I am so sorry."

And even if she did... any real man would not go berserk and get angry over this. This was years ago. She obviously loved him enough to marry him. A crush ten, seven, or even three years ago is not going to cause issues. Crushes are crushes. Almost everyone gets them. It's not going to wreck your marriage at any point down the line.

Two. I wholeheartedly admit that one should stay in a public setting with guys they don't know well, or with the family, simply because you don't know him well. But if you trust a guy, you've clearly known him long enough to either know you don't have feelings for him (thus meaning you can go out for a walk through the park without going crazy), or to know that you do have feelings for him.

At that point, it's up to you to decide whether you trust yourself and him enough. And your parents, obviously, but that should be a given - unless you are 18 or older. At that point, you are an adult, like it or not, and while you should listen to your parents' counsel, you are your own authority. 

I've spent time in semi-alone settings with lots of guys before. I'm still here, still safe, and still saying it's perfectly fine. My best friend and another friend (both of whom are guys, though I don't talk to the last one anymore) used to visit every month or so. We'd go out to the woods outside my house and goof off, talk, swordfight, re-enact films, and whatever else.

I was always safe. I never fell in love with either of them. I've spent time alone at Renaissance faires, in the forest, at parks, in my neighbourhood, in a city square, at events, etc. with guys. There was never any trouble. No feelings ever developed because I spent a day alone with a guy. 

All that to say that emotional purity does not hinge on being in a group setting all the time, because feelings can still develop in such settings - and in fact, often do. You meet guys or girls at church, or at youth group, or at concerts, or at school, or at co-op, etc. - the feelings develop in a group setting most of the time. 

Three.

Three upset me, because you seem to be implying (whether you meant to or not) that a girl's feelings and thoughts should not be valued; that they're not important.

This is the most important rule? Don't ever ask a girl how she's feeling or what she's thinking, because then she will likely 'feel like her words and thoughts are valued'?

Take a minute to think about how that sounds from an outsider's view - it sounds like you're saying a girl's words and thoughts are not valued. 

Never, ever should anyone feel like their words and thoughts are not valued. It doesn't matter if you are a guy talking to a girl in private online. It doesn't matter if you're two girls sitting in the office chatting over lunch. It doesn't matter if you're a kid talking to an adult after church.

You should always ask a person how they are feeling. You should always show that you care about them enough to ask, to want to help if they're having a bad day, to listen to their thoughts and opinions - to show them that they matter.

Because everyone matters. Their value and the value of their thoughts and feelings don't lessen just because they're a girl and you're a guy. Their future spouse is not going to flip over a table in anger just because they talked to you about how they felt and what they thought and what their dreams were and what their hopes were. 

More likely, a future spouse, if the subject is even brought up, is going to be upset that someone treated their husband or wife disrespectfully and acted like you didn't care about them; that you treated them as lower life forms.

Always ask someone how they're feeling at least some of the time. 

If you treat anyone with all three of those rules... they are most likely (not all the time, but often) going to consider you cold and emotionless. They're going to think they did something wrong to upset you. They are going to feel unloved, worthless, undeserving of attention or time, and like you do not care about them.

You're not keeping them safe by not hugging them, not expressing care towards them, not spending time alone with them - you are sending the message that you dislike them and that they are not worthy of your time.

Trust me, and take it from another girl - the majority of us will feel that way if anyone, male or female, treats as such. We're going to feel like you think us inferior and unworthy of your time and effort as a friend.

I'll stop here, because I don't want to start sounding angry (because I'm not). I'm letting my emotions get carried away, and that is not your fault - it's my duty to control my emotions. Not anyone else's. 

That was what I had to say about the blog post. I understand the intentions were good, but there were a lot of flaws, and what appeared to be a misunderstanding of how a lot of girls feel and think and are wired. I don't say all girls, because there are obviously girls out there who feel like that. But many don't.

Remember what was said about seeking what is best for women? You should do that - but you can't stereotype and do one thing. You have to do what is best for each individual woman.

Because it's different. We're all the same in that we have hearts, minds, souls, emotions - but we're all so beautifully, miraculously different and unique at the same time. And that needs to be respected. 

Thank you for listening, and please don't take anything of what I said as a personal attack. This article was simply my thoughts on your blog post; I would have normally posted my thoughts on the original post, but there were too many things I wanted to say and I didn't want to clutter the comment section. So I wrote them up here.

God bless,

Theodora Ashcraft

Ask Me Anything

The lovely Elizabeth Kirkwood over at Chasing Woven Glass Through The Storm gave me this idea, as she is also doing it and told me I could as well.

This is a wonderful thing for any of my followers who happen to want to see me talking and hear my voice. This is a very bad thing for the followers who hate even reading my posts, let alone hearing me talk (and if that's the case, why are you here?). ;)

The idea is a simple one. I will film vlogs. Vlogs are just like blogs, only instead of a written article, they're videos. I'll sit there and ramble at a video for fifteen minutes or however long it goes, depending on how many questions I receive.

Yes, that's me. For anyone who somehow missed all the pictures I have on my social media profiles (as well as my blog's profile picture) and wanted to know what I look like. ;)

And that is where all of you come in. This vlog will be nonexistent unless I get questions from whoever reads this blog or my other one (Whispers of Wind and Song).

You can ask me anything you like. You can ask me about my writing, my characters, what I like to read, my life, my favourite foods, my favourite colours, hobbies, what I'm passionate about, my favourite TV shows; anything you like, really. As a prior warning, if you ask me to read something out loud, be prepared for me to decline. I freeze up if I have to read stuff out loud, usually; but don't let that stop you, as I just might oblige and read it after all. ;)

So that's about it; send away! You can contact me through my email address (which is in the 'Contact' tab above), over Facebook message, in private message over Holy Worlds, or just leave them in the comments here!

I look forward to hearing your questions. Just keep sending them in, and when I think I have enough, I'll film the first vlog! I'm excited; I hope the rest of you are. :)

Until next time,

Theodora Ashcraft

A Confession

I want to say something before I continue—certain readers, especially those of you who are younger, might do well to proceed with caution. I don’t go into explicit detail about anything, but the following subjects might not be something some people should be reading. If something said starts to make you uncomfortable, definitely stop reading if that is what you think you must do.

~~

It was a fairly ordinary day when it started. I think I had recently turned thirteen. I was browsing YouTube. It started out as an innocent search for something-or-other (I no longer remember what), but the videos in the sidebar, the ones I continued to click on, began to get considerably less innocent.

I kept going. Something was pulling at me; and while a part of me knew that my mom would be very upset if she saw me, another part of me… wanted to keep going. And I did.

At first, it was just YouTube clips and videos. But then it progressed to other websites.  I began actively searching things out, sneaking onto the computer late at night when I wasn’t supposed to, simply so I could proceed with my dealings in secret.

Well, there’s the premise. Here’s the main point of this blog post in one simple statement:

I was, and still am (though to a lesser extent), a porn addict. Another lust-based addiction developed some time after that addiction began.

Those of you who are squeamish probably want to stop reading here. As I said, I don’t go into explicit detail, but I do go into the very basics. 

I regret to inform you that this isn’t a blog article with a happy ending—not yet. I’m still struggling, and I’m still giving in. I haven’t found healing or redemption yet.

That’s not what the point of this blog article is. The point is to confess, because this has been festering inside my mind for nearly four long years. Judge me if you will; and I’m sure some people are going to drop contact with me. But this needs to be put out there, if only because a select few that I can think of deserve to know the truth.

I didn’t tell anyone for two and a half years. The WiFi I used (sneaking onto the neighbour’s) stopped working after about six months, and since the only other internet access was in sight of others during the day, my little secret stopped.

So I had two reasons for not telling anyone—one, I had ‘stopped’ and I wouldn’t ever do it again (or so my childish mind told me), and two… porn addiction was a guy thing. After all, society said so, right? If only guys had this problem, what might happen if I, a girl, were to admit I had the same problem? I thought I must be the only girl in the world like this; something was seriously wrong with me, it had to be!

Well… I did do it again. It started, I believe (I’m not totally certain), right after one of my favourite singers and a friend of mine, George Donaldson, passed away.

You all heard about that somehow, I’m sure (most of you probably heard of it from me). Call me stupid, but the death of that man broke me beyond imagining. My entire life twisted upside-down along with my shattered heart—I became furious with God, and basically defied Him, turned away from Him.

And, I suppose, my subconscious turned back to my poison for solace—porn.

A vicious circle was put into motion. I would spend a few days indulging in my particular poison, and then I would sink into guilt. I would go a short while without looking at any inappropriate images or videos… and then it would start up all over again.

Around this time, another lust-based addiction surfaced. I hate the word, so I won’t use it—but basically, this was an addiction to self-stimulation, because it felt good. Yes, I know. I think it’s disgusting too, but I still do it. It’s a fight to stop at this point.

About a month after George’s death, the guilt and pain got to the point I started to do something I never thought I’d do—cutting.

I never went and I have not gone too deep—my knives are too dull for that. But I have gone deep enough and drawn enough blood to leave scars. I now spend most days, even the hot ones, wearing hoodies or long-sleeved shirts to hide my arms.

Well, at some point—I don’t remember exactly when; the last few months are a bit of a blur—I joined what is essentially an online dating site.

Most, if not all, of you know what roleplaying is; those actions written within asterisks, *like so*. The things I roleplayed while on that dating site started off small, but ended up too hideous for me to put here. The one good thing that came from that is that the guilt and shame I felt after the last roleplay session was so strong, I—with my mentor and my adoptive mama urging me to—left that site.

The viewing of inappropriate content continued, though.

Anyway… I’ve stopped looking at online content. For now. The other addiction of self-gratification continues. Am I trying to stop? Well… I’m trying to avoid the online content altogether. The other addictions (the one I mentioned above, as well as self-harm) will come later. One step at a time.

In case anyone is wondering, no, I haven’t turned back to God yet. I’m confused, and still angry with Him, for various reasons. I’ve tried to go back to Him, I really have—I just can’t yet, I guess.

So… that’s the real me. Or, rather, one aspect of me I hide behind my daily mask. I’m an often-suicidal porn addict with various mental disorders, people. That’s the only way to put it. And I’m the last person most people would have expected to turn out this way. A lot of people call me things like ‘innocent’ or ‘sweet’, or tell me they see the light of Christ in me, or that they’re proud of me.

When I hear that, I want to scream or cry or hurt myself or something. Because nothing is further from the truth. Nothing. Then again, it’s what I wanted people to believe—the mask I wanted them to see as real.

Why did I write this? Because I needed to confess (I’m just now deciding to tell my mom, for goodness’ sake), and besides that, a few people I know who will read this—especially new friends, and old ones who have known me for a long time—deserve to know the truth. And now they do. I’m just… well, like I said above. Just an often-suicidal porn addict with various mental disorders.

I won’t fault anyone if they drop contact with me, so if you feel the need to, or your parents tell you to, then do so. I won’t get upset; I completely understand. And those of you who decide to stay in contact… I will never understand you people, but I can’t say that I’m disappointed that you did decide to stay.

Until next time,

Theodora Ashcraft

Goodbye To a Gentle Giant - Reminiscing (Part 1)

This is a series (probably just two parts, but it may end up as more) I'm writing solely to try to give myself a sense of closure over losing one of my favourite singers and a person I considered a friend.

George Donaldson - a gentle giant, Scottish singer, father, brother, and son - passed away March 12th. This post is me reminiscing about how I came to know of Celtic Thunder, and, through them, George. You don't have to read it, but I'm putting it up anyway for the few people I know would want to read it.

~*~*~*~*~

I first came across Celtic Thunder (and consequently, George Donaldson) in either late 2011 or early 2012. Up to date, 2012 was the hardest year of my life. I was looking for some Irish music in the CDs at the library, and I happened across a CD called, "Celtic Thunder: Act II". I looked at the front and saw several men on a stage, wearing kilts. I thought it looked interesting, so I took it home.

I was immediately hooked. The wide array of music captured my heart; all sorts of genres of music were meshed together. As I listened to more and more of the Celtic Thunder CDs, I found more and more genres - hymns were sang, original songs written by the singers, rock 'n' roll, pop, old ballads, country music, and, of course, traditional Irish music. And best of all, most - if not all - of the songs were clean.

In 2012, I had turned away from God. As a result, the only things keeping me from giving up on life were my friends... and Celtic Thunder.

Yes, I had other music, but it was full of depressing things, some of the songs had cursing in them... basically, most of what I listened to was horrid. But not Celtic Thunder. They sang songs that taught me determination ("Ireland's Call"), taught me about history ("Christmas 1915"), taught me about the love of fathers and children ("The Old Man" and "My Boy")... taught me a lot of things. And it kept me going.

Okay, skip ahead. In 2013, I met my mentor (though he wasn't my mentor right off, obviously) and new friends that were godly Christians, and I found my way back to God through them. But Celtic Thunder remained and remains a huge part of my life.

I love all of the members, past and present, for different reasons. When I first found the band, I probably talked more about the younger men of the group, obviously... I was a silly teenage girl with her priorities in a mess.

But George Donaldson always had a special place in my heart. He was the kindhearted one... the wise one... the fatherly one.

I don't have a good relationship with my own dad. So I tried to fill the dad-shaped space in my heart with other people; George was one of them. Listening to his interviews and watching him sing made me feel like he'd be a wonderful dad.

As I said, though, in 2013 I met several older, godly men, my mentor included. Now that I had father figures to look up to in my life, I no longer needed to cling to my daydreams of what it would be like to have George as my dad. But I still looked up to him; his generosity and kindness was inspiring.

In November of 2013, I was blessed enough to go on the Celtic Thunder Cruise. I never expected to get to know any of the band members... but to my joy, I met George not once, but three times. I talked to him a little more each time.

When I asked him for a photograph with me, he readily agreed. I was shaking; I had had a rough night before, and was homesick and anxious. George noticed. He has his arm around my shoulder in a side-hug, and when he felt me trembling, he tightened his hug reassuringly, smiling that smile of his - a warmhearted, sunshiney smile.

I thanked him, and left. I met him again later on, outside of a lounge. I said hello, and he started a conversation. We were headed the same way, and instead of trying to get away from me, a random fan, George walked with me and continued talking for a short while before we had to part ways.

Finding out about his death felt like a physical punch in the gut, and I'm still kind of in denial about it. The funeral services were held today, about a week after George passed away. I had gotten to know him through social networking and on the Cruise, and I felt like I had just had a friend taken away from me.

In a way, I have. He was one of the people who kept me going in 2012, and he was the one I looked up to as a father figure for so long. He was the one who helped me relax on the Cruise and feel less homesick.

I miss him so much more than words can say; I'm heartbroken, and I know that not many can understand why. You don't have to; just understand that I am.

This blog is actually sort of named after him - once, he was talking about something called 'Of Songs and Stories'. I loved the phrase, and used it as the name of my blog; 'of songs and stories' in Irish Gaelic.

George was a man with a huge heart, and that showed in everything he did and said. He is known among the Celtic Thunder fans as 'the gentle giant'; a big man who would have been intimidating, if not for his warm smile and gentle nature. He invested time in all of his fans, and when he was with his family, he spent every moment with them. His daughter Sarah was 'the light of his life'.

From my experiences, and from stories I've heard from others who have met and known George, he was a caring man. He was always smiling, and never passed up the chance to give people a hug and chat with them. And as he comforted me when he noticed I was shaking, there are several others who have had the same experience - they've been anxious or panicky about something, and George would comfort them until they were calmer, no matter what was going on or where he was. He was always gentle, humble, and considerate.

I hope someday to see him again. Until then, I won't ever forget him. And if you're reading this... remember to spend time with your loved ones and let them know you love them. You never know when God will take them Home... you never know whether you'll have the chance to say goodbye.

"He was with his family one night...
Times of love and laughter and light.
Heaven needed a new angel that day,
God called the gentle giant Home, and now he's gone away.

His heart was full of love
And no more could it hold
His heart took the wings of a dove
And flew Home to the streets of gold..."

God bless, all.

~ Theodora