Heart Topics: Is Suicide Selfish?

Greetings to any and all who stumble upon this blog article.

This is the first in a series. "Heart Topics" are, in short, any blog posts I write on a topic close to my heart - animal rights, depression, LGBTQ rights, womens' rights, pro-life topics, the effects of porn, etc.

As you may be able to guess... these topics and some others are very personal to me. This means they can sometimes trigger negative memories and emotions, or at the very least, cause me considerable pain.

I tell you this so that you know - it takes great effort for me to write on such things. But I will write, for people need to hear about them. All I ask is that you treat any and all of my Heart Topics with respect when commenting on them.

Now that that is out of the way... we move on to my first Heart Topic.

Suicide. Or, rather, whether or not it is selfish.

As with most aspects of life, this is not black or white. There is no clear-cut answer: no 'yes, it is selfish' and no 'of course it isn't'. It is far, far more complex.

Do I believe suicide is selfish?

Well, I believe it is about as much as I believe all apples are rotten.

(Hint: that's not much.)

Just as not all apples are bad apples, not all suicide cases were because of selfish choices. In fact, eight out of ten people who commit suicide do so because of other people. Observe the following thoughts:

"Everyone will be better off without me."

"If I do this, my parents/spouse will have more money for debts and bills."

"At least now my failures in life won't upset Mom and make her cry."

"I won't be able to constantly upset my friends anymore. I could never help them anyway - like this, they have the ability to go find someone else, someone who can help them."

I can promise you that those thoughts and ones just like them are what goes through a person's mind when they consider suicide.

Why?

Because I have seriously considered it more than once. I've sent out the goodbye notes and had plans to end everything. I never did succeed.

But I can say with complete certainty that my thoughts were not centered on myself - some of them may have been, but the majority revolved around other people.

How much better their lives would be, how many things that would be set right when I was gone... always other people in my mind.

Was I correct? Probably not, on most counts.

I may have been wrong - but I was not being selfish. The definition of selfish is 'concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself'. Which I was not - I had a few thoughts for myself, of course; one of them being, "The pain will finally be gone". But the rest of my thoughts were excessively about other people.

That means that - if I had succeeded - my choice to commit suicide would not have been considered selfish by the dictionary definition of the word.

Neither would the suicides of any person who had felt and thought the same as I did in my situation.

If a soldier kills himself or allows himself to be killed for the greater good of his comrades and his country, he would be considered a hero for 'doing what he had to do for the sake of all'.

When a person ends their own life, often they are doing the same thing - trying to do what they feel is best for the greater good of those they know.

Are they correct? No. But the pain, the feeling of being lost and drowning, make it so that they believe that ending their life is the best thing to do. They are no more selfish than the soldier is - the only difference is that one's mind is clouded by pain, and they are believing something that isn't true.

It is not logical... but it is definitely not selfish either.

Now... can suicide be selfish in some cases? Yes. Sometimes, a person commits suicide and is only thinking of themselves. How to end their pain, why they deserve death, etc. I do admit that.

But I'm going to give anyone who immediately wants to announce to the world, "That was selfish and wrong!" a quick lesson in something called empathy.

I know how hard it is for those of you who have never been truly depressed to understand. Trust me, I do know. When you've never been that low, never been drowning in the dark and lost, unable to find a meaning to anything...

It is only too hard to understand how it feels and the motives behind what happened. Sometimes, it is impossible to figure out the exact motive.

That never - never - gives you cause to be callous and proclaim to anyone who will listen about how selfish and wrong and disgusting a person is for... simply trying to end the agony in the only way they knew how.

My mother's cat died from kidney disease. In her last weeks, she was in agony. Finally, my mother made the decision to euthanise her - to end her suffering instead of prolonging it.

Elderly folk in many places have a choice - if they are getting sicker, and in a lot of pain, they can ask to be 'put down' in a peaceful manner so that they no longer have to suffer.

Why, then, is it so much more 'selfish' and 'cowardly' for another sufferer to try to end the pain in the only way they can think of? Yes, it is wrong, but one who has been in their shoes cannot blame them for it. We can grieve, but knowing the pain they were in, it is impossible to condemn them for their choice.

They were only doing what animals and the elderly have a legal right to do. It isn't logical, yet it is nearly no different, but for the stigma around it.

Not only that, but you never know who might be reading your posts or listening in on your conversations at the store. A severely depressed person may come across something you said about the horrible wrongness of suicide.

The resulting emotions you give them may have disastrous effects.

When Robin Williams committed suicide, and I found out, I was heartbroken and devastated. I still am - I was crying over it the other day. He was the man who did everything for everyone else, and gave them joy... but was going through so much pain, he could never do the same for himself.

Someone on Facebook spoke harshly against the people mourning the loss of the bright soul who had lit up their lives for so long - implying that those who mourned him were foolish. In the comments, more people started to talk about how selfish a choice it had been, and how Robin Williams would surely end up in Hell.

I saw this. I took part in an attempt to explain things to them, as did several others who understood.

I have depression. It was so much worse at that point, because someone I had looked up to had been struggling for years with the same thoughts and feelings I did - and had, the night before, lost his battle with the agony.

And because those feelings of pain were so much more intense for me at such a time, the words those people spoke were a personal blow. I found myself, yet again, suicidal as well.

I wasn't planning on doing anything - 'being suicidal' means that one wishes to die, and may even entertain thoughts of it - but does not plan on going through with it. And I was wishing for death then.

Why? Because I felt like a disgusting human being - I struggled with depression, and I had so many times thought of suicide... and here, I was seeing implications that that made me a bad person, selfish, horrid, and that if I ever made such a mistake, I would end up in eternal damnation.

Do you know what that does to a hurting soul?

I wept the rest of the night, mainly for Robin, but also because of the pain I was going through.

The point I'm trying to make with that anecdote is... you must be empathetic. You must be loving. You must be gentle, and kind, and understanding.

Because you never know who might hear your words. You never know who might feel your words are validating how they already feel - worthless, horrid, and hopeless. You never know who might make the ultimate decision to end it too, solely because they feel from your words that it's true - they don't deserve life and they are horrible for having a medical condition they cannot change.

The bottom line is - even if suicide is done for selfish reasons, shouting it to the world and acting in such a way (without compassion and understanding), is very wrong. You will dig a knife into the wounds of people already hurting from the loss, and possibly cause pain to others.

When something like this happens, offer condolences and reach out to the family and friends who lost their loved one. Pray. Post comforting words.

Do not condemn or judge or make assumptions about how selfish the person was, when you do not know the whole story.

In conclusion to the question - is suicide selfish? - my answer is that it's complicated. It is not black and white. Sometimes people will commit suicide for themselves and not for the perceived good of others. (Most times, as I said, however, it is for the perceived good of others.)

Even if something does seem selfish, it may not be.

Even if it truly is, being callous and uncaring about the gravity of such a situation... is wrong.

And that's all I really have to say on the matter for now. I may write a follow-up in the future.

God bless,
~ Theodora Ashcraft

"You're Going To Go To Hell!"

If you don't stop thinking like that, you're going to go to Hell. I'm sorry. It's just... well, you're wrong. You have to fall to your knees on the floor and beg God to change your mind, because if you don't, you will end up in eternal fire. Repent and be changed. Because as an afterthought, I wouldn't want you to end up burning in Hell, after all.

If I know people like I think I do, then many of them just became quite offended. And many of you also had your curiosity piqued as to why I'm making such a claim to my dear readers.

I'm not. So take a few minutes to calm down, slow your heartbeat, and get rid of the anger.

Calmed down now? Good. I'll get on with the actual point of this blog article now.

I'm sure there are a few of you who caught my sarcasm. But those of you who were offended and took it seriously, or can possibly put yourself in another's shoes - how did that make you feel?

I'm not going to tell you how you feel, but I'll list a few emotions that go through a person's mind when they're told out of the blue from someone they hardly know that they're going to go to Hell for whatever reason if they don't change:

• Resentment.
• Fear.
• Anger.
• Offensement.
• Bitterness.
• Annoyance.
• Shock.
• Hopelessness.
• Disgust with either themselves or the person condemning them.
• Confusion. 

I know that those are all valid and possible emotions, because they're the emotions I've felt - all of them - when people have told me I'm going to go to Hell for feeling a certain way or doing a certain thing, or that I will go to Hell if I commit suicide, or do whatever else.

I rarely felt repentance. I just got a bombardment of negative emotions, towards myself, towards whoever was talking to me, and towards God.

One reason is because that, as always, a person was condemning me without stepping into my shoes, and without showing love, gentleness, and respect. They were most likely in my face, matter-of-fact, blunt, and cold.

If a person is to judge another person, they should do it kindly, right?

Actually, no. A person should not judge at all. At least, not in the sense of what the word means now - the sense of that word now basically means acting superior, telling people point-blank they're going to go to Hell, belittling them because of their feelings/their beliefs/their life in general, and other such things like that.

Lovingly pointing out things that you believe are wrong, and expressing concern over a behaviour that is harmful, is what one should be doing. But I'll go into that in a second.

There are numerous Bible verses that speak out against judging others.

"Do not judge so that you will not be judged. For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' and behold, the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye."

- Matthew 7:1-5 (NASB)

A favourite explanation people like to use is, "Well, it says if you do judge, you will be judged by the same standards."

Don't ask me how that's an explanation against its command not to judge, because I don't know. I don't understand the logic in that explanation.

But they neglect to pay attention to the next verses - the ones about the speck in your brother's eye, and the log in your own ('your' being in the metaphorical sense here).

Sawdust. Or... specks. Heh.

What I'm gathering from that passage - and I specifically said 'what I'm gathering', because I don't claim to know everything and certainly not what Bible passages mean - is that you shouldn't judge at all, because we all have our own problems that we should try to fix, instead of trying to fix everyone else.

Those verses to me are saying three things:

1. Don't judge others.

2. But if you do judge them, expect to be judged in the same way and by the same standards.

3. However, if you decide to judge others, you are a hypocrite for paying attention to their faults rather than your own.

Overall, I still get the 'do not judge others' vibe from this, regardless of the whole thing about the same standards. But let's take a look at another Bible verse on the subject:

"Do not speak against one another, brethren. He who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks against the law and judges the law; but if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge of it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the One who is able to save and to destroy; but who are you who judge your neighbor?"

- James 4:11-12 (NASB)

That one seems fairly clear to me - there is only one Lawgiver and Judge. And He is not any one of us. So who are we to judge others? 

One more verse before I move on:

"Therefore do not go on passing judgment before the time, but wait until the Lord comes who will both bring to light the things hidden in the darkness and disclose the motives of men's hearts; and then each man's praise will come to him from God."

- 1 Corinthians 4:5 (NASB)

That one is basically saying not to judge until the Lord returns. Again, fairly clear and there really isn't all that much more I can say on those verses. So I'll move on to talking about just how to point out what someone is doing wrong.

Should we just ignore people who are doing something to harm themselves or others, or doing something that we perceive is wrong? No. But there is a right way and a wrong way to do that.

First of all, let's just halt all notions of waltzing up to complete strangers or acquaintances and telling them that they're sinners, that what they think or beileve is wrong, etc. Even in a loving way. Seriously, just stop. 

Why? Because you haven't even shown them you care about them yet. You have no right to go around telling people you hardly know things like that, because... well, you hardly know them. You have no idea what they're going through, you have no idea what their past is like, you have no idea who they are.

If you're going to go around pointing out what you perceive someone is doing or believing that is wrong, you should only do it with someone you love and care about. And I mean genuinely, not pretending you do just to gain their trust.

Because, if it makes you feel any better about yourself, they'll be more likely to listen to you if you both have a good relationship before you start pointing out wrongdoings.

And also, it's just not generally considered kind or loving to go and point fingers at the beliefs and lives of people you don't know very well, for reasons I've already mentioned.

So how to go about it? Lovingly, gently, and kindly to someone you know well already. And make sure you're not acting like you know everything there is to know ever about the Bible, because let's face the cold, hard truth - you don't. And your denomination of Christianity isn't 'the only right' denomination. So make sure you explain to them why you think something is wrong; don't just tell them that it's wrong because you say so. And again, I cannot stress this enough: be respectful!

Seriously. You don't want to end up like these people. Cruel, hateful, disrespectful - the definition of 'unkind' incarnate, I tell you.

That's how you go about it. Consider this verse:

"Do to others as you would have them do to you."

- Luke 6:31 (NIV)

If you're going to tell someone that you think what they're doing is wrong, tell them in a way that you would want them to tell you. Which I would imagine means gently and respectfully. 

Now, if someone is doing something that you know is harmful to themselves, you should most certainly tell them it's wrong. But again, don't beat them over the head with a medical guide and go crazy shouting at them that they're hurting themselves and they have to stop. That won't get you anywhere.

Take it the same way as I suggested earlier. Kindly and gently, and informing them what is wrong with their behaviour and why it's harmful; drinking, smoking, etc. 

(Now if you know someone murdering other people or abusing other people physically, thaaat is a whole other kettle of fish that I'm not going into. Obviously, the whole gentle-and-loving approach will most likely not work out with that.)

I think that's all I have to say. I'll leave you with this passage:

 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

"It keeps no record of wrongs". That's one part of that passage that is key to this article. But the entire thing is relevant - treat others with that sort of love, no matter what. Because that's what one is meant to do - not harshly judging others for differences of opinions.

That's two hearts and a cross in the middle, in case it's hard for anyone to see.

God bless,

Theodora Ashcraft