A Letter To K.

I'm not going to use your name, before you start to get angry about me spreading your name and reputation all over the internet. You know that this is addressed to you. And I know you'll see it. I know you follow this blog and keep an eye on it so that you can find whatever you can about me and what's going on in my life - you wouldn't have found my personal email address otherwise.

So now that the fact you know this is addressed to you, and the fact that I know you can see it, have been established, I'm going to move on.

I would just send you an email, but as you've probably figured out... I've blocked you everywhere, now. I left you the ability to send Facebook messages in the hopes that that quirky guitarist was still somewhere inside; that he'd come back, and the new version of you would be gone, and we could go back to being friends.

It didn't happen. I gave you many, many chances. And I just cannot handle the messages of harrassment any longer.

You say you care about me, and that you hope I'm doing well.

And then you turn around and send me photographs that are designed to trigger me and make me want to hurt myself.

Do you really think I can believe you when you say you care? Real friends show respect, concern, and politeness. They don't get angry and send hurtful messages, guilt trips, and images designed to give nightmares.

Since you never seemed to want to hear my side of things without going into long, several-page rants, I want you to at least take the time to listen now.

I blocked you because you were speaking inappropriately to me, refusing to give me any peace, saying cruel things about my other friends, and basically harassing me.

It is not appropriate to insist on starting arguments about religion and politics with people you know disagree with you, and refuse to just drop it when they say they'd rather not discuss it - and when they try to end the subject themselves, it is not appropriate to get upset and guilt-trip them/send them pages-long messages stating how you feel on the subject.

It is not appropriate to take the words I've said about my closest friends (how much I appreciate them, how they've helped me, how much I look up to them, how much I care about them, etc.), and insult them outright in emails that sometimes span fifteen pages long. It is not appropriate to call the people I hold most dear to my heart 'power-hungry snakes' and to say that I worship them, that they're my owners, that they have control over my mind, solely because I appreciate their opinions, value their thoughts, and - horror of horrors - actually agree with them on many points.

It is not appropriate to see a blog article a girl writes confessing her struggles with porn, and then go talk to her in chat about it to say that she 'shouldn't feel guilty' and that you had considered or still wanted to 'teach her about it'. I don't know if you realise how creepy and wrong that sounds, but trust me, it does.

It is not appropriate to come to a girl's house after they have explicitly told you that you can't. Lack of warning isn't an excuse. Even if it was, if the girl tells you nearly a week in advance you cannot come over, you have plenty of time to call off any plans you may have formulated.

And another thing... when all of this, plus insults and hurtful words to my beliefs and a mutual friend's beliefs, causes us to block you for our own sanity... it is most certainly not appropriate to send them death threats when your attempts to guilt-trip them into friending you back don't work.

Am I a bad friend for not having time to let you come over very often for nearly a year? Maybe I am.

But look. I turned 15. I entered college. At the same time as high school. My time became severely limited. It wasn't like I decided to completely cut you out of my life but went around visiting other people behind your back. You thought I did when you saw photos of me visiting with friends in Seattle this March, and got really upset.

Here's the deal. They were and are some of my closest friends. I got to spend maybe two hours with them that day; I was meeting two of them in person for the first time, and seeing another of them again for the first time in six months. So yeah; I did take some time off from school to visit with friends that I rarely, if ever, see. You spent a year or more getting to visit with me once every month or every two months. You had no right to get upset because I decided to take a few hours out of my day to spend with friends that weren't you.

Am I a bad friend for starting to chat to you less online before I blocked you? Maybe I am.

But when I came to dread coming online in the evenings because I knew I would find pages-long rants on what I believe, how I live, who my friends are and how awful you think they are... I just did not want to talk to you, because you would expect me to respond to those rants when all I wanted to do was forget them.

When I never knew what would be waiting for me on Skype or in my inbox - whether it would be more verbal abuse towards my friends or my religion, or another inappropriate comment on my addictions - of course I began to dread messaging you.

Am I a bad friend for not telling you exactly how I felt, and for oftentimes not explaining to you why various things you did or said bothered me? Maybe I am.

But I knew you wouldn't listen. Both me and our mutual friend tried telling you over and over and over again to please stop saying and doing stuff, but you refused. I knew you wouldn't stop doing things, so I stopped asking.

I rarely tell anyone exactly how I feel and what my emotions are. I only tell people I completely trust, and there are only a handful of people I do trust with everything. Even less now, because time and time again, people prove they can't be trusted.

After the dramatic disaster in 2012 due to making the wrong friends, my trust in people was lowered considerably. I apologise for not trusting you, but quite honestly, I knew that if it was something to do with my religion or my beliefs that I was having trouble with, you wouldn't be able to focus past that to help me - you'd only be able to rant about them.

Am I a bad friend for blocking you? Maybe I am.

But I needed to in order to protect my already fragile sanity and emotions. I am dealing with college homework and crazy emotions I've never felt before. I'm trying to get back into writing, and I'm spending as much time as possible with people I've sworn to protect, comfort, and try to help. I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life, because I've tried to push reality away for so long, I find myself nearly 18 and completely uncertain about where I'm headed, what I want to do, what is going to happen to me, and whether I can handle whatever life throws at me.

I did not and do not have the energy or the strength to have to wake up every day terrified of what rants, guilt-trips, or innuendos were awaiting me online.

Even after I blocked you, you could not respect my wishes. You railed at our mutual friend about it, managed to work in a few more jabs at my friends, and then sent me guilt-trip after guilt-trip by whatever means you could.

And then you sent me and our mutual friend death threats.

You fell silent for a while, until you found out that you could still send me messages on Facebook. You would claim to care about me and miss me... and then make jabs about people, or jabs at how I was a bad person.

I put up with it, still hoping beyond hope that the quiet, musical guy I met at the lake would come back, and I wouldn't have to worry about... this new person I didn't recognise.

It never happened. And a few nights ago, you sent me a picture - whether it was photomanipulated or not, I don't know, but it doesn't matter - of a person who had cut the words 'I'm fine' into their arm with a knife, and told me that I should make that my avatar.

That was the last blow. I was online late, and I already find myself paralyzed by fear most nights. But that message set me to shaking and I couldn't stop. Talking to some of my brothers helped comfort me, but it didn't help completely.

I feel worthless and guilty about my own existence enough as it is. I don't need you trying to reinforce the guilt and the fear.

I blocked you there. So I'm writing you a message here. Because like I said, I know you watch this blog.

You know something else? I did research. What you've said to me and our mutual friend could land you in prison for five to ten years if you actually meant them - harrassment and death threats. You could also receive a heavy fine. Think on that for a second.

And I have one last thing to say before I close.

I won't be adding you back until you show me in some way that you've changed and that you aren't only trying to manipulate my emotions.

My entire life and my entire emotional structure have been messed-up because of your threats and your words and your stopping by my house when I told you not to, like some real-life stalker.

Because I was already scared of leaving the house, but now I'm terrified, because I have no idea whether your threats were real and whether you're lurking in the bushes somewhere. I'm terrified in the mornings to go outside without a rock in the hand because I'm afraid you're going to appear from around the corner and attack me.

Because I can't even turn my back to people anymore. I go to the post office and I have to edge awkwardly along the counter because I can't bear to turn my back to the people behind me. I go on walks alone and I can't stop looking over my shoulder. I spend the afternoon with one of my best friends, and I can't even sit down at the table to eat until I have my back to the wall.

Because I can hardly trust any of my friends anymore except for the few closest ones, all due to the fact that someone I once thought was a friend suddenly started to treat me the way you did.

I already had anxiety disorders before all this happened. Now I'm point-blank terrified if I try to leave the safety of my house. I don't want to be left at home alone because I'm afraid you'll randomly show up.

I have nightmares about you showing up to make good on your death threats. Nightmares where I'm trying to hide but you get into the house anyway and the people, whether friends or police, that I called, to beg for help and ask them to come over, don't arrive in time.

I feel the need to carry around rocks and knives in my pockets because I don't know who might try to sneak up behind me.

I regret not knowing how to shoot a gun. I regret not remembering half of the stuff I learned in my martial arts class years ago.

Do I believe you'll do something? Maybe. But mostly, my irrational anxiety has turned into full-blown, irrational fear to do anything without someone I trust by my side. Because I was threatened, manipulated. My emotions were ignored. My thoughts, beliefs, and feelings were put down as wrong. Someone I thought was a friend disregarded my wishes and came by my house without permission, invading my personal space multiple times.

This is why I cannot and will not friend you again. Not until I've heard you've changed.

And even if you do change, please know that it's going to take a long, long time for me to trust you again. I've been betrayed and manipulated too many times, and the way you acted and the things you said were the things that made me snap. I'm completely broken and shaken-up, and feel as though I cannot trust anyone. I have tons of friends and acquaintances - I only fully trust seven now. And only three of them are guys.

Please keep all of this in mind and think about it instead of just throwing it out as me being overly-dramatic, ridiculous, or stupid again. Because it took a lot to write this letter to you and have to post it on my blog where everyone can see it. I wouldn't have done so, if I actually had an outlet I hadn't blocked you from in which to send it.

Please actually consider my words important for once.

And please think about them. That's all I ask. I'm not telling you to change or do anything against your will. I'm just telling you why I did what I did and asking you not to put it off as stupidity like you used to when we argued about everything under the sun. If you respond, I probably won't reply, because I need time to try to mend, to get rid of all the emotions brought on from what I personally consider as traumatic, whether others do or not.

Thank you in advance. I sincerely hope you're doing well.

Regards,

Theodora Ashcraft

For the first time...

I did two things for the very first time this week. I got to meet a  member of my adoptive family - the lovely Siân. And I got to meet an online friend of mine - Matt. I also was blessed with meeting a third young lady, a mutual friend of theirs that I haven't talked to before now; Kiehl.

I know a few people who wanted to hear how the visit went, so I decided to write up a blog post. *smiles*

They had said they would arrive at around 5pm, so when they got here a half-hour early, I was a little bit startled (don't get me wrong, though, I was all too happy as well, 'cause it meant they would be here that much longer. *grins*). 

My mom was startled as well, and exclaimed, "That might be them!" I said rather ridiculously that it couldn't be them. (You see, I was still in a bit of a state of shock that I was actually going to meet them in the first place. XD)

But I went and answered the door, and recognized them right off. Despite the fact that the Myers-Briggs Personality Test gives me ENFP - the E standing for 'extrovert'. I'm actually very shy (at first; I get more extroverted as time goes on) for the most part.

I stood awkwardly while my mom came up and introduced herself, and Siân introduced the three of them. I stayed in the corner and watched as Matt, Kiehl, and my mom headed off into the kitchen. I was waiting for Siân to go too - I have this thing of waiting until everybody else is out of a room or doorway before going myself. I guess it's some sort of polite gesture, but I almost never go anywhere first. When I do, I open the doors for people. *laughs*

But instead, Siân shifted her luggage all into one hand and gave me a huge hug for several seconds. I was only a little surprised, before relaxing and hugging her back. I said it was good to see her, and she said it was good to see me too. Then we headed off into the kitchen as well. 

I was still kind of shy, so I sat in the chair in the corner and watched Siân chat with my mom. I answered a few questions directed at me, and made comments when I was expected to, but other than that, I didn't say all that much at first.

At some point, Mom said to me, "Why don't you talk?" I immediately felt my face go warm and stared down at my hands (which were folded in my lap) with an awkward smile, which made... I think everyone in the room laugh. *grins sheepishly*

Siân invited me to look at the pictures on her laptop, so I moved my chair over to the table and sat next to her to watch her scroll through the pictures. My mom had to tell us about three times to stop so we could eat dinner. XD 

During dinner, I nearly choked several times. The reason for this was because Siân and Kiehl kept making me laugh extremely hard. I'm not even entirely sure what they were doing to make me laugh; they kept looking at each other and then giggling, and everyone knows that laughter is contagious, right? ;)
After dinner, we watched Siân scroll through pictures again. This time, all four of us watched. We got to see very interesting photographs that Matt's younger siblings had taken... most of which had us in hysterics. XD 

At one point, Siân flipped to another picture... and a very white face filled the screen, with two black dots and a black curve for a mouth. After much laughter, Matt explained that it was the head of a Lego man. We spent a good few minutes laughing at how horrifying a simple Lego face looked like. *giggles* 

Eventually, we decided to take their luggage up to the guest room. Then it was decided that we would go out and take a walk. We went down the rock path into the forest. Siân took a lot of pictures; both her and Kiehl loved the forest. Kiehl was surprised at how large the leaves from the big maple trees were. 

We stopped walking for a while, and Siân took more pictures. I played with leaves. *grins* I made a few leaf-dragons, and then put a leaf in my hair behind my ear. Siân noticed a few minutes later and exclaimed how pretty it was. (And yes, she took a picture or two. I'll be showing those later, perhaps. ;) )
After a little bit, we kept walking again. We stopped in a forest clearing. It was pretty dark by this point, and normally I would be quite scared - I have a phobia of the dark, you see.

But with them... I felt perfectly safe and at peace. I wasn't at all skittish. Then Siân started to sing; and oh, my goodness, her voice is beautiful. Standing there in the clearing, under the dark blue sky, listening to someone I love singing... I almost felt like I was in a dream, because that sort of thing only happens inside of my dreamworld.

We stood out there for a very long time; the wind was cold and making leaves fall from the trees. I headed down a dirt path and stood on my own on a ledge for a while. On impulse, I randomly felt a little like singing, so in a low voice (yes, I'm far too self-conscious of my singing voice to sing out loud), I sang two Lord of the Rings songs - "Aragorn's Coronation Song" (in Elvish!) and "Far Over The Misty Mountains".

I stood there on the ledge for a few minutes longer, staring out at the dark shadows of the forest. Then I picked my way carefully up the dirt slope again and back into the forest clearing, where the others were still wandering about talking.

I went and stood on the edge of a sort-of cliff (you can walk down it if you're careful; it's more of a really steep and rocky hill than cliff) for a while. And then I heard a train coming.

I grinned as it rumbled past, and glanced back, curious as to what the others' reactions were. It was dark and loud though, so I didn't quite catch what the reactions were. 

When the train passed by, I heard my mom calling from the top of the hill, from the house. I have a feeling she was worried sick. Oops. *sheepish half-smile* 

So, we all four trooped up the hill again and into the house. After getting some water, we headed up to the guest room again. A few minutes later, Siân got out her laptop again, and all of us continued looking at the pictures; Matt, Siân, and I sat on the inflatable mattress where Siân would be sleeping, while Kiehl sat on the mattress next to it.

We went into hysterics of laughter again. XD Eventually, Matt had to shush us giggling girls (well, me and Siân anyway; Kiehl was able to compose herself, while me and Siân went into fits of laughter). He basically put his finger to his lips and said, "Shhh. We should be quiet."

Leave it to him to remember that my parents go to bed at around the time we were laughing, but I completely forget. ;)

We went a little quieter, and finally, the pictures were all looked at and the videos were all watched. It had taken about two hours total, I think, to look at them all (though we took breaks in between to take the walk and eat). I had giggled and grinned and laughed so much while looking at the videos and pictures, my face literally ached. But I didn't care, 'cause I was so happy. ^_^

When Matt got up, the mattress sank unexpectedly (not 'sank' as in ran out of air, just sort of rocked a bit), and I nearly fell off. *giggles* Siân-dear caught me though, and gave me a big, long hug. Like, over a half-hour long hug, I think. I felt safer and happier in that room with them than I have in... well, ages and ages. *smiles*

As much as I wanted to stay there all night, I knew Mom wanted me to go to my own room eventually. So I reluctantly got up, gave Siân one last hug, wished her goodnight, and headed off to bed. Instead of going to sleep, I stayed up for an hour writing in my journal. *grins*

I didn't think I'd be able to fall asleep, but I did. I woke up at 5am, remembered that Siân, Matt, and Kiehl were actually here... and ended up being a little hyper for about twenty minutes until finally going back to sleep again. XD

I woke up again at 7am and got up, feeling far bouncier than any sane human being should in the morning. I got into my dark red skirt again (I had worn my shirt all night, rather than change into my pajama shirts, because... okay, I admit it, it smelled a little bit like Siân's perfume, and it helped keep me calm when I went to bed. :) ). 

I wandered around the house, checking G+ notifications and doing my chores. I wasn't going to wake them up, because I have an aversion to waking anyone but my brother up (because he gets enough sleep, and I can tease him all I like, *grins mischievously*). At 8am, they were up and about though.

We had breakfast (and I got more Siân hugs! ^_^), and once again, there was a lot of hysterical laughter. And also once again, I had no idea what I was finding so funny. XD Maybe I was laughing 'cause I was happy. 
I had fun watching Matt play with our pet cats while we waited for Siân to finish getting ready to go. Then, when she finished, I went up to the guest room with her to help with her luggage and check to make sure no one had left things behind. 

I took the opportunity to give her two little things I had wanted to give her - a small figurine and a bracelet I had made her. Since I'm not much good at making bracelets, I added that if she couldn't get it to stay on her wrist, she could use it as a bookmark. XD  She gave me another hug. And even though I was starting to feel a little sad, 'cause I knew she'd be leaving soon, I still felt happy at the same time.

We headed downstairs. Matt had wanted to leave... a half-hour before then. He was still very sweet and tolerant though, and even made time to let my mom take group photos of us. :) I had wondered earlier if we could take a group photo, and they agreed.

My mom took two with our camera, one of which is here:

I'm on the far left, then Matt, then Kiehl, then Siân. :)

Then she took two pictures with Siân's camera. I got another hug from Siân, and then helped carry luggage out to the car. She gave me a last hug, and I even got a big hug from Matt. Then I went inside, feeling very choked-up indeed.

I had grandparents coming over though, so I didn't cry. I still didn't cry, really; not until this evening at 6pm, when Siân commented on one of the pictures I had uploaded to G+.

The fact of how painfully I miss all three of them hit me hard, and tears started running down my face unbidden. It got to the point where I had to flee to my room where I could be safe and cry without the family seeing me. But I did do a vid-chat with an adoptive family member of mine... he helped me cry and comforted me while I did... even saying I still looked pretty while crying (even though I was quite convinced I looked like a mess).

So it's 8pm now, and I'm about to go to bed. I'll probably sob some more. But it's not bad - I cry because I miss them, because I love them. And I'll get to see them again. I know that. I hold onto that hope, even if the doubts try to sneak in.

So that's how the visit went. *smiles* I hope you enjoyed reading about it.

God bless.

~ Theodora Ashcraft